MISSING YOU - KRG !!!!

At 01:30 early in the morning on April 18,2008, as I was in the bed with a dream where we both are together inspite of all our worries, holding hands tightly .... but there in his room, my precious man breathed his last.  And a moment later took his first breath on the other side.I’ve just been a ball of nothing for the past few days, and I need to write, because what else can I do.

The sobbing has been non-stop. It just comes on. Then again. Then some more. Then I eat something. Or I dont. I keep forgetting to drink water. I’m having trouble getting out of bed. I’m going to work and keeping my plans and doing all the things I need to do and have to do in life that are responsibilities and obligations.

But I’m a mess.
I can’t think.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t exist.

I’m at a crossroads. I feel like everything and nothing is about to happen.
I can’t explain what I mean.
Nothing makes any sense to me right now.

On Monday, it will be April 18th.
Eight years  since my beloved’s  death.
On Monday, it will be April 18th
Nineteen  years and eleven months that we were married.
On Monday, it will be April 18th, I will have been a widow longer than I was a wife.
This is maybe the saddest thing I have ever typed.

It feels so wrong to have to type that.
Or to have to live that.
And yet here I am.
With no choice, really,
but to try and live.
Somehow.

I’ve been trying.
And failing.

I opened myself up to the idea of living.
I thought it was going well.
But then it wasn’t.
I don’t know what to do.

I have reached the point where I no longer want to be alone.
I no longer want to be lonely.

Am happy with a gorgeous daughter

And she is everything to me...

Both my parents are my precious

And made my life for them....

And my friends and relatives join hands with me.....

Enjoying every second with them.....

And I loved it.
I still love it.
But it was just a taste.
It’s not the right time.
And that’s okay.
Really.

I know I’m not making any sense.
Nothing makes any sense.
Except me and my beloved
We made sense.
We made so much sense.
And then he was gone.
Why?

I just miss you so very, very much, my KRG.
I miss you every day.
I want to go back,
to when I didnt have to think about things such as this,
because I was your wife,
and I had a beautiful husband.
And we were so happy.
But now,
soon,
I will have been a widow,
longer than my entire marriage.
I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Time to go cry again.

But I know, he’s greeted on the other side by loved ones who have crossed over before him.  He goes back to the light of Divine Love.  To say he’s in a better place is an understatement.  He’s happy, blissful even.  It’s as exciting as winning the lottery.  He goes through his life review, understanding and comprehending the lessons and experiences he had in life.  He makes peace with himself, and crosses right on over into bliss.

I felt he is still there, I can still talk to them, and He still see me and care about myself.  He know am sad, but he know life is an amazing gift and experience, and he want me to enjoy mine to the fullest extent possible.  I still see my beloved  again.

Missing You

I sit alone now in the darkness of despair.
I cry my silent tears,
My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces.
The silence is deafening to my ears.
The darkness frightens me,
The shadows climb the wall.
I hear footsteps walking,
Passing through the hall.
The loneliness surrounds me,
It takes my breath away,
This is the pattern of my life,
Since that awful, dreadful day.
Without a clue
Without a hint
Of what was yet to be,
God called you home
To be with him
And took you away from me.
I walk, I talk. I carry on
When the sun pokes out its head
But when darkness falls
And evening comes
I cannot go to bed.
For this is when I miss you most of all
When I curl into a little ball
And cry those silent tears.
Watching the shadows,
And missing you.

  

Thanks to the Chartered Accountant Association, Cannanore who kept my beloved at the height.